The Ordinary Douchebags

I was talking to my friend Missy the other day about douchebags. We all run across douchebags in our daily lives. Not the kind who are able to win douchebag of the week awards, mind you, but the  ones we want to tell to get a fucking clue. Baby Douchebags. The ones we want to punch in the gut. The ones that just annoy us. Man, those people piss me off! So, instead of talking about the award winning douchebags, today we came up with a list of ordinary douchebags.

First and foremost, I may think you’re a douchebag…

If you are offended by the word douchebag

If you park like an asshole

If you ram people (especially me)  in the back of the legs with shopping carts

If you interrupt me while I’m drinking my morning coffee

If you steal the parking spot I’ve been impatiently waiting for

If you constantly post your blog posts on facebook. Oh. Wait. That’s me. Damn.

I will probably think you’re a douchebag…

If you are fucking with your Ipod and run me off the road

If you constantly post obscure statuses on facebook

If you’re a judge and you rule that someone is too rich to be held accountable

If you mention several times in the same conversation that you are gluten free, homeschool, have a blog, are a vegan, vegetarian or a SAHM. Chances are, I heard you the first or second time you mentioned it.

If you homeschool and you don’t teach your kids math

If you give my kids homework over Christmas/Winter break

Finally, I will totally think you’re a douchebag…

If you think your kids can “catch being gay”

If you criticize my parenting while letting your kid run around like fools

If you scream at a store employee because you can’t find something, and then claim that your entire Christmas is ruined because of it. You’re not only a douchebag, but also an idiot.

If you cut in front of me in the pick up line at school, just because you can fit in the teeny tiny spot with your teeny tiny car. Seriously, I want to slit your tires.

Message to the Ordinary Douchebags

That was fun. Leave a comment or send me an email to let us know what ordinary douchebags did we leave out? You never know, it just might make the next list.

Do you know of someone that should win the Douchebag Of the Week Award? By all means, make the nomination!


38 Thoughts on “The Ordinary Douchebags

  1. LMAO! This is great Rhonda! I got a couple for ya!

    If you don’t teach your kids how to behave with respect in public.
    If you think that I need to hear your phone conversation in the grocery store.
    If you make my ass vibrate in my house, due to the bass of the stereo in your car, that you leave blaring while you run into the gas station…across the street!
    Have a great week!

  2. Those obscure FB messages drive me nuts! Mine are:

    Leaving a shopping cart in the middle of a parking space.
    Having a conversation in the stall next to me in the bathroom.
    Not letting a car pull in when you’re stuck in traffic. Sometimes people will completely ignore that there is someone coming in from the side trying to get in. We’re all stuck together, we can at least be courteous!

  3. If you still use an iPod to run people off the road… what is this 2003?

    If you constantly correct people on the proper use/definition of technical terms and devices.. wait that’s me. Damn!

    If you believe that you are too good for proper sentence case and punctuation.

    If you think the red squiggly lines under all the words you type are pretty decorations.

  4. Let’s see….

    If you don’t teach your kids manners

    If you’re “supervising” your kid & let them get away with rude & reckless behavior

    If you move the bar between my purchase & yours in the grocery store to try to make me pay for your purchase (yes, this happened to me & I called the lady out for it & SHE got mad at ME! Seriously?!)

    If you use your cell phone in inappropriate places ie library, doctor’s office. Dude, step outside.

    Vague-booking. Seriously. Drives me nuts.

    If you have a high school mentality and you’ve graduated from college. Grow up people.

    If you give me unsolicited advice of any kind.

    I could go on!

  5. I’m a terrible parker but I try. That counts for something, right?

  6. A few additions:

    You sabotage people because you are insecure

    You drive ten miles under the speed limit (Get out of the way!!)

    Are a phony

    I love this post!! Thanks for letting me vent.

  7. You use other people’s FB pages as a place to argue your views.
    You don’t respect opinions that differ from yours. Opinions – they’re like assholes. Everyone has on. Get over it.
    You say anything that might even be perceived as an insult to one of my children. I will take you out.
    You judge a person’s character based on the language she uses.
    You attack a money collector for the Salvation Army because she wished you Happy Holidays and it’s Merry Christmas Dammit! (Seriously, did you hear about this?)
    Shall I go on? Lol

  8. Wow, you guys have covered almost all of my pet peeves…
    There is one in particular, that may just be a Philly thing, but if you believe that YEILD on a sign means speed up and cut me off while giving me the finger, you my friend are a
    class-A road DB, for whom I’m pretty sure there is a special place in hell.

  9. If you work in my department and are not me..then you are a douchebag.

  10. If you tell me you do Crossfit two seconds after meeting you.
    If you cut in front of me and then move at a snails pace.
    If I hold the door open for you and you don’t say thank you, I will remember you.
    If I am the passenger and you speed to the red light and then brake hard…oh, that’s my husband.
    If you talk on any mobile device while having a conversation with me or at the dinner table…I will tell you that you are a douche even if I’m related to you….especially if I am related to you! Kids be warned.

    Great vent post, thanks I feel better now!

  11. David Heller on December 21, 2013 at 10:33 pm said:

    She’s an angry elf! Interesting subject for the season. Was this posted after attempting to shop on the busiest Saturday of the year? Anger leads to the Dark side. Let go of your feelings. Happy New Year!

    • Ha Ha David! It was before I fought the maddening crowds on Saturday :)

      Happy New Year to you too!

      • David Heller on December 23, 2013 at 7:06 am said:

        In the last year I have come to accept that everyone lives their lives differently. if they are not killing, hurting or stealing I let it slide. Humans are pretty dumb on average, but regardless of what you watch in the news they are generally good.

        • Aw, come on David. Are you saying you’re not a fan of my douchebag posts then?

          • David Heller on December 23, 2013 at 1:25 pm said:

            I have just seen so many great stories and experienced generosity quite a bit the last few weeks. It gives me hope. As long as I stay away from the news and the malls for the next few days I should make it to 2014 alright. Humans may even retake my top spot for favorite animal again. I always play the devil’s advocate in arguments so don’t mind me. If I was having this conversation back in August I would probably say FTW.

  12. Prof. Liddle-Oldman on December 27, 2013 at 12:32 pm said:

    If you’re deliberately cruel to people who can’t retaliate — waitpersons, say.

    If (one of my personal obsessions) you and all your friends spread completely across the subway stairs and come to a complete halt so that you can laugh and laugh and laugh at, well, anything. Some of us have jobs to get to.

    If (another of my personal obsessions) you just coast to a stop on the stairs — or in the middle of the turnstyle — because you’re just lost in your texting.

    Don’t know where you are, but here in Boston, after a snowstorm, if you dig your car out, you own the space, so long as you mark it with something — a sawhorse, an old chair, an orange cone, a trash can, a pumpkin… recently, someone in an SUV took a saved space right after a storm, and got all four of his tires nailgunned. Duelling douchebags!

  13. “If you interrupt me while I’m drinking my morning coffee” — Ohhh, so true!

    Also, pedestrians who do sudden ‘emergency stops’ in the middle of the street when they’re walking. Usually they’re texting someone and are dragging a bag on wheels.

    And people who overtake you, only to walk or drive more slowly than you were going in the first place.

  14. I would like to add (as a pedestrian) that majority of drivers only look left towards oncoming vehicles when they are trying to make a right turn. Countless times I’ve nearly been hit with this scenario and I’ve only avoided due to my own vigilance, never the drivers themselves. I also agree that pedestrians should take extra care (i.e. not texting, etc.) when crossing roadways as most drivers do not concern themselves with anything bysides other vehicles! Which is especially true in any type of bad weather… do they not realize that they, at least, are dry in a rainstorm so the person walking at a stop light should be allowed to cross before they plow over everything in determation to get “out of the rain/snow” *seriously – DB!!!!!*

    • Good points. I moved from Michigan (not many pedestrians) to Washington (land of pedestrians and bike riders). The shift in mindset is remarkable. When I first moved I almost hit a couple people doing the only looking left. When I go back to visit people in Michigan, I almost get hit because I forget people don’t just stop for pedestrians. I have to remind myself to pay attention to where I am to stay alive :)

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