The Most Screwed Up Kids Song I’ve Ever Heard

Music is a wonderful thing to introduce our kids to, right? It’s great until one day you put in a kids CD, an old familiar tune comes on, and you actually listen to the lyrics. I don’t like to be the only parent mortified by a kids song, so I’m going to share the lyrics of that song with you now, along with  my own colorful commentary.

Most Morbid Kids Song

Oh My Darling Clemintine

In a cavern, in a canyon,
Excavating for a mine
Dwelt a miner forty niner,
And his daughter Clementine

Right away this song isn’t starting off so well, is it? Living in a cavern? We could throw a red flag right here, but, trust me, that flag would be pink compared to what’s coming up in a minute.

  • Chorus:

Oh my darling, oh my darling,
Oh my darling, Clementine!
Thou art lost and gone forever
Dreadful sorry, Clementine

We don’t know what this chorus bit is about yet. It’s a little confusing, but doesn’t sound like it’s going to bode well.

Light she was and like a fairy,
And her shoes were number nine
Herring boxes, without topses,
Sandals were for Clementine.

So, she’s malnourished, has big feet, wears boxes for shoes. Obviously we have a lot of issues here. Hopefully she at least lives someplace warm.

Chor.

Drove she ducklings to the water
Ev’ry morning just at nine,
Hit her foot against a splinter,
Fell into the foaming brine.

She fell into the river? Everything will be fine though since it’s a kids song, right?

Chor.

Ruby lips above the water,
Blowing bubbles, soft and fine,
But, alas, I was no swimmer,
So I lost my Clementine.

What the hell? First they paint a pretty good picture of a girl freezing in the water. The Dude sees the girl in the water and can’t help her? Our kids are singing about a girl dying. This is jacked up.

Chor.

How I missed her! How I missed her,
How I missed my Clementine,
Till I kissed her little sister,
and forgot my Clementine.

You missed her so much that you kiss her sister and then forget about Clementine? And you have the balls to tell us about this?

Chor.

In a corner of the churchyard,
Where the myrtle boughs entwine,
Grow the roses in their poses,
Fertilized by Clementine

Now we’re talking about rotting bodies in the ground fertilizing the flowers? I understand that this is what happens, but do we really need a song emphasizing this? Let’s keep going.

Chor.

Then the miner forty niner,
He began to peak and pine,
Thought he oughta join his daughter
Now he’s with his Clementine.

This shit goes from awful to catastrophically fucked up. Now we’re talking about suicide? Are you kidding me? So far we have crappy living conditions, death of a child, body rotting so the flowers can grow, boyfriend (I hope it’s the boyfriend) kissing the sister to forget about Clementine, and suicide by the father. Wow. But we’re not done yet!

Chor.

In my dreams she still doth haunt me,
Robed in garments soaked in brine.
Though in life I used to hug her,
Now she’s dead, I’ll draw the line.

That’s called guilt, asshole, you’re guilty of not saving her and then going after her sister. I’d haunt your ass too.

Chor.

Now you Boy Scouts, there’s a moral
To this little tale of mine.
Artificial respiration,
Would have saved my Clementine.

Really? That’s the moral of the story? That’s the best you can come up with? With all the screwy shit that’s happened in this song, I think we could come up with many morals to this story, but Artificial Respiration wouldn’t even make the list.

Chor.

Clementine’s gorgeous hair
Was so beautiful and fine
So I took a pair of scissors,
And cut it all off to be mine.

And to finish it off, “I cut the hair off a dead girls body since it was beautiful and I wanted it to be my own.” Maybe that’s another reason why she’s haunting your sorry ass.

Chor.

Holy Crap! Now that’s a song! All those verses weren’t on my kids CD, but half of them were. I went to Wikipedia to get all the lyrics and found out the whole story. Do you have any thoughts on Cementine?

22 Thoughts on “The Most Screwed Up Kids Song I’ve Ever Heard

  1. Patricia DiMercurio on November 25, 2013 at 12:29 pm said:

    DAMN :(

  2. That’s seriously f’ed up! But the song is so much better with your commentary. BWAHAHA!

  3. Wow, I had never heard those verses! BLECH! I cannot stand that song about the old lady who swallowed a fly. This is the last verse: “There was an old lady who swallowed a horse -
    She’s dead, of course.” What? This is for kids?

  4. Haha, a lot of older kids songs were like that. Ring Around the Rosie is about the Black (?) Plague. Cheery isn’t it??

  5. Holy Shit! I remember this song as a kid…WTF! This dude watched his kid drown, then is kissing the sister (not so sure that was the boyfriend BTW…so possible incest) cuts her hair?! Dear lord. I felt bad about the Turkey balls – apparently we are even!

    • Ha! I wasn’t sure if it was boyfriend or dad either! I was hoping for boyfriend, but it didn’t sound like Clementine was that old…now that’s a creepy thought! I was so pleased I got a education on turkey balls with your post today too. Like we were playing a game of “who can find the craziest shit to post!”

  6. Holy crap! It’s super creepy that people would say “hope you don’t die” and it was so matter of fact. I’d probably be appalled if someone said that to me. I guess it really was just a different time then. Brothers Grimm is super creepy too!

  7. I’ve often found myself taken aback when I’ve paid attention to the lyrics / lines in nursery rhymes and childhood songs. Creepy and twisted!!

    Your commentary added a nice bit of sarcastic levity to an awful song.

  8. LOL… I cannot command further as your twisting makes me LOL…

  9. That is just one of too many children’s songs we should never have been taught!

  10. So many kids’ songs are creepy. My son is learning about the bubonic plague in Social Studies, and he came home and informed me that Ring around the Rosy is actually about the plague. Nice.

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